


Freezing

by didyousaygay



Series: My Personal Solar System [8]
Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25205725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/didyousaygay/pseuds/didyousaygay
Summary: being in love is just part of the journey
Relationships: Stellvester Ajero/John Paulo Nase
Series: My Personal Solar System [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1774648
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Freezing

**Baby Crawl**

> Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful angel  
> Love your imperfections every angle

Sejun looks at himself in the mirror, what an irony that this song has to follow him all the way to another country when all he sees is his pale and lifeless reflection. He shakes the conceited thought away, blaming a song for following him when he's the one who ran inside this random toilet like a lunatic.

> Tomorrow comes and goes before you know

  
He laughs softly. He wanted to laugh extremely loud and release all the tension that he's bottling up but that will just prove unwarranted claims that he is indeed losing his mind. _No laughing in airport toilets, do not attract any unnecessary attention and stop blaming yourself._ He's just half of the problem anyway and the other half is most definitely still standing in the middle of that waiting area like an idiot. Like a brave idiot. 

> So I just had to let you know

Moments ago, he was struggling to understand the words in the book that he was - highlight on the word, **trying** to read and he was failing miserably. He's not an emotional person but there's a limit on how much he can handle in one trip. That is why when Stell called him with that determined expression of his, with the dramatic sun rays shining on him and all, telling him that he is accepting the challenge, he panicked like a foolish teenager, his fight or flight response stupidly dictated him to run and hide, which leads him to his present predicament. 

How to face everyone with calmness after that one sided declaration?

How to put up a strong front for Stell when all he wants to do is to take back everything that he said on that fateful morning? It just happened yesterday but the pain was too much it felt like he's been suffering for months, no exaggeration on his part intended.

In his defense, everything he said was true. The painful truth. There's no point in lying because Stell will just see through his lies. They have priorities and a risky relationship isn't part of it. As much as he wants to accept Stell -- all of him, he can't be selfish. That's why as much as he berates himself for telling him that he is irreplaceable, he's still quite happy that he managed to say it without crying even though it may have sounded like a last desperate call on his part.

> You're saying you're the one for me, I need to face it

"Uhm, hi, excuse me.."

He was startled by the voice and it broke him out of his reverie. 

"Huh? ah.." 

A lanky teen probably around 15 stands beside him with an awkward smile. "Sorry, I know this is an awkward place to ask but are you Sejun of SB19?" The boy continues to fidget nervously while holding his pen and notepad.

He definitely looks like road kill now but he nods. _The world does not stop just because I'm hurting. It will go on and leave me behind._ "Oo. Ako nga, ay sorry, Pilipino ka ba?"

The boy's face lights up with a genuine smile. "Uh, yes, well no, uhh yes, I'm actually half but I can understand Tagalog, konti lang! I'm a fan, oh no that sounds weird, you're my idol, yeah, no it sounds creepy, sorry. I really, really look up to you and your song writing, I also write songs and rap and and uhh---"

He smiles in return. He felt the abrupt shift in his facial muscles meaning he was likely frowning for quite sometime. He needs to get a grip and snap out of his sorry state, if this boy gathered up all his courage to approach him while he's pity partying himself, he has no right to receive such praises. "Cool, but relax, it's just me. Hi, I'm Sejun, nice to meet you."

"Oh man, you're so cool, can I have your autograph?"

"Of course, yeah, you want me to sign there?" He points at the boy's notebook and thinks about how long he's been gone. He can't cause any more trouble, he needs to go back to his group.

"Yes please and sorry for disturbing you." The boy flips through the pages and passes him the binder with shaking hands.

"Are these lyrics?"

"Yeah, please don't read them, it's embarrassing, why didn't I flip until a blank page?"

"No, it's fine, I'll sign here. To give you more motivation to work harder. Your name?"

"Chester."

"Huh??"

"Chester, sorry, I forgot to introduce myself."

"Okay, Chester." He proceeds to write the boy's name. _It's Chester, Chester, don't screw this up._

"Here, good luck Chester." He returns it to the still wide eyed boy and walks to the door way.

"Uh, Kuya Sejun..."

He looks back, he can probably stay in here for a few more minutes because hearing a name that sounds like you know who brought his anxiety back. "Yes?"

"I have an audition next week, what do you do when you're scared?"

_Hulog ba ng langit tong batang to? Is this divine intervention assisting him with his dilemma?_

"You accept the fact that you're scared and face it. Because if you don't feel anything at all, it means it's not important to you anymore."

"Thank you Kuya."

"No, thank you."

He strides with certainty, he did the right thing. Not the running away part but yeah, no regrets.

"Grabe Sejun, alam mo ba kung ilang toilet meron sa airport na'to at alam mo ba kung ilang toilet ang pinasok ko kahahanap sa'yo?" 

Justin scolds him while vice gripping the top handle of his back pack. Their poor bunso probably thinks he will run away again. But he's done running and he has made up his mind. 

"So--"

"Wag ka makapag sabi sabi ng sorry, kanina pa kayo ni Stell. Quota na kayo."

"Eh di wag." He walks ahead of him, a light spring on his feet, he needs to be strong for this and this is the first step. "Okay na ko, balik na tayo sa kanila."

  
**First Step**

He hates suits and he ultimately hates ties. They're uncomfortable and impractical but he doesn't have a choice and he needs to suck it up. He stares at the tie like a plague but whether he likes it or not, wearing it is inevitable and he has an hour left to do a perfect knot.

It has been a month since their airport fiasco and he's been going home to his parent's house the entire time, for obvious reasons that involve one person and much to his surprise and not gonna lie - dismay, said person did not confront him at all. Two weeks in, he's thinking that he is probably giving him space to clear his mind but by the third week, except from the casual work related conversations, Stell never made an effort to talk to him and his life has been a quiet mess. His work ethics remains the same but the time and energy consuming travel from his parent's house to their office or event locations has taken its toll on him until his mother finally kicked him out of the house and forced him to return to their condo.

And he's now back to a momentary regret with his life choices. The necktie thrown haphazardly on the bed as if it's mocking him and his inability to function like a responsible adult. No one's expecting him to come back like a homeless puppy and everyone has already left for the event. 

That gives him 45 minutes to fix himself, arrive on time and not look like a miserable sap physically because mentally, that is exactly what he is. No, he doesn't hate himself. This is him accepting reality, adhering to his decision and moving forward. If Stell has a different concept of challenge in mind, he doesn't want to know. And he refuses to be part of it.

He is too consumed with his thoughts that he didn't hear the main door click, not until the sound of light footsteps are behind him. 

It's been a while since he felt this way, his heart pounding like crazy, he can almost hear it. He tries to breathe but the air suddenly feels too thick and he's undoubtedly experiencing medical palpitations because he doesn't have to turn around to know who it is. It's scary, too damn scary because he just _KNOWS._ Like a strand of his being is connected to this person and they just gravitate like magnetic poles. Heightened by the fact that it's just the two of them in their room, no camera, no staff prompting them what to do, they are back in their own uncaring little world and no one else matters. But he knows that once he turns around, everything else will matter and that is their reality.

Stell moves closer until he's _too close_ , his ragged breathing on his nape, he can almost feel the warmth of his chest on his back. They stay like that for who knows how long until he feels Stell's arms around his waist, wrapping him in a gentle hug, testing if he's allowed to do it. 

"Pau.."

_Dear God, it's been weeks and he's not sure if he's strong enough to deny himself of this._ He needs more than just strength if he wants to push Stell away.

"Parang you lost weight Pau, uwi ka na dito please."

"Bat nandito ka?"

"Yan na ba magiging hi hello natin? Lagi mong tinatanong yan, alam mo naman kung bakit."

"Tactics mo ba to Ajero? Yung iwasan ako ng ganun katagal. Para pag lumapit ka, hindi na kita kayang tanggihan?" He prays hard that there's enough bite in his words to discourage him but Stell is not one to be discouraged especially if he knows he has a chance to get what he wants.

Stell rests his chin on Sejun's shoulder as he snuggles close to his neck. The arms around his waist embraces him tighter and he can feel Stell's frantic heart beats as if it's his own. "Yun ba talaga tingin mo? Na may grand master plan ako para tiisin ka? Iniwan mo nga akong mag-isa dito, di mo ba tatanungin kung nakakatulog ako ng maayos?"

There's no sarcasm or guilt tripping intentions in Stell's words and he felt like his heart is being shred into microscopic pieces. But he cannot allow himself to falter, he's doing this for both of them. If he accepts this moment of weakness, they will be back to where they started. 

"Pagkatapos ng event, matulog ka ng maaga. Dito na ko uuwi mamaya." He holds Stell's hands tightly, hoping that he won't feel him trembling in his touch. 

"Yung sinabi ko sa airport, I meant it, walang nagbago--"

And as if reality is trying to remind them that they are by all means, not alone, Stell's phone rings. He bitterly laughs and frees himself from Stell's embrace. "Hulaan ko, si Josh yan, papagalitan na naman tayo kasi.." He looks down and pushes his sleeve back a bit to check his watch "..thirty minutes na lang, male-late na tayo. Worst case scenario, si PD, mas lagot tayo." He finally looks at Stell and he's smiling at him. 

Stell reaches out to run his fingers through the untamed hair that's blocking his eyes and just like how they are always drawn to each other, he unconsciously leans in to his touch. 

"Na-miss kita Pau. Sobra." 

If his heart was battered and beaten earlier, it's now back to being whole and it's totally unfair.

  
**Balance**

They miraculously made it just in time and the two of them arriving together looking disheveled and out of breath, needless to say gains them questioning stares from the members and it doesn't really help that Stell is smiling like a kid who just received his expensive Christmas present. It's infuriating. And he's not sure if the seats that were left for them were intentionally beside each other or his friends are conspiring against them. Again.

Justin waves at him while pointing something at his collar and he remembers that he was having an existential crisis from an innocent piece of accessory until Stell came to cause more conflicting emotions that he seriously needs to keep in check now.

_Screw that tie anyway, their stylists won't throw a fit right? But their suit has been planned months before this event and no, relax, relax, he can pull it off, he just needs to avoid the cameras like a ninja...._

His brainstorming frenzy was halted when Stell holds his hand and pulls him so that they're facing each other. He raises an eyebrow but Stell just smiles and takes something out from his pocket. The cursed tie that he's been hating earlier. Before he can even protest, Stell is already looping it around his neck, Stell leans in making him pull back in panic because he's too close, again. Forgetting about the fact that Stell is holding on to both ends of the tie and he's trapped.

"Easy ka lang Pau, mabilis lang to." He smirks and proceeds to do a four in hand knot. 

His slender fingers subtly brushes his neck and Sejun is certain that Stell is doing it on purpose and it's making him more irritated. Stell has that effect on him, he can be a cuddly clingy baby one moment then turn into a tease in a matter of seconds and he can't keep up.

_Don't look at him, don't look at his face, don't fidget, don't blush, don't blush._ But he can already feel his body betraying him when he felt the warmth crawling up from his neck up to the tip of his ears. 

"Dati na nating ginagawa to, nako-conscious ka pa rin?" Stell's smirk is gone and his gentle smile is back.

_Because the first time you did this for me, I fell in love with you._ His cheesy brain unhelpfully replies. "Mamaya ka na magsalita, tapusin mo muna yan." 

"Ang bossy naman. Yan na ba bagong dynamics mo sa'kin? Bossy Sejun?"

"Maybe, so masanay ka na."

"Okay lang, pero pag inutusan mo kong lumayo sa'yo, di ako susunod."

"Paano pag kailangan ko ng space?"

"Paano pag kailangan kita?"

"Wag mong gamitin sa'kin yan Ajero."

"Seryoso, di kita gagamitan ng pa-fall lines, na-fall ka na eh."

"Hoy kayong dalawa, rupok lang sa music awards?! Nakatingin na dito si Ji-hun."

Josh pulls Sejun away, forcing Stell to slowly let go of Sejun's tie, the silky fabric slowly slipping off his hands until it's gone and it's almost ironic and poetic and remarkably sad.

**Steady Gait**

_And album of the year goes to SB19!!_

The deafening sound of applause and cheering is something that he will never get used to. Their hard work being recognized is still a dreamlike concept for him and he knows that each member feels the same way.

As the leader, he accepts the award in a daze. As a leader, he needs to be firm and steady, but as a human being, he has his vulnerable moments and sadly, today is one of them. 

"Maraming maraming salamat, I will let my brothers address all the lovely people that supported us and acknowledged our passion for life and music."

He passes the mic to Stell who gives him a curious gaze. He nods and smiles at him. The most hopeful smile that he can give.

The blinding spotlight and camera flash caused his eyes to tear up and if a muffled sob is heard from him, he can blame it on his gratitude for the opportunity to live the life that he has.

_This is your stage, this is what we dreamed of, this is where you belong. I won't hold you back and you don't have to risk anything for me. Be free and conquer the whole world Tey. And so will I. Please look forward to that future, when that time comes and you still want me.... then maybe.._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading


End file.
